


ZADR RELIGION ZADR RELIGION ZADR RELIGION-

by foxmulder_whereartthou



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: changed due to wanting to make the whole community feel safe yall, give me mercy, go follow all these dumbasses on tumblr, jhonen im so sorry, previously titled ZADR CULT
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-16 02:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21263273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxmulder_whereartthou/pseuds/foxmulder_whereartthou
Summary: The ZADR Religion is at it's highest point yet - and you've got a front row seat to their shenanigans.





	1. The First One

As night falls, the cloudless sky suffocating what remains of the safe reaches of dusk, the procession makes its way through the dank, dark undergrowth of the woods; a macabre parade draped in robes of neon. When the moon is high and the bonfire has been lit, the wayward souls of those who relentlessly harassed them making the perfect tinder, the assemblage of mismatched freaks encircles the feu de joie, preparing to begin the ceremony they had spent days, months, years, decades even, training for.  
  
  
During a ritual solemnity as paramount and long-desired as this one, there is no time for leaving ‘the best ‘til last’. And so, to begin the rite, the most influential, most coveted, most cherished beings step up to the pyre, their shadows casting murky wickermen across the leaves and the dirt of the glade they gather within.

  
  
An undersized green irken, encased in a suit of flesh and clutching an ancient tablet with an unsavoury image burnt onto it’s screen, emerges from a disembodied closet door and joins his brethren, all their faces distantly familiar.  
  
These consist most notably of a small creature, quiet and confused-looking, but after a few seconds it unhinges it’s gaping maw to reveal a squelching, feral mess of a varmint. As well as this, a rosebud, to the left of the alien, blooms beautifully, spreading it’s ornate, delicate petals to reveal a walmart giftcard within the folds.

  
  
Some particularly enthusiastic members of the crowd cry out, their voices high and shrill and full of acceptance and love, as well as a few snide remarks. A fox, coated in a thick layer of writing paper, and another irken, painted with the colours of the panromantic and ace flags, sob incoherently to the great beyond about demons and angels, as shadowy figures lurking behind the trees awkwardly put their thumbs up in worried support. One little critter, a cupcake clutching a dinosaur to it’s chest, shrieks deafeningly over the commotion.

The throng swells, humans and aliens alike pushing and pulling to get to the front, to present their own offerings to their very own shrinemaiden. Bedsheets, anthropomorphic toes, Lemon Demon CDS, even a Zim body pillow gets thrown into the blaze, until the smoke swirls all the way to the top of the atmosphere, collecting and swimming at the brim of the world like an overflowing cup of coffee.

  
  
Soon enough, the smog is enough the shield the moon from view, and the gaggle of shippers fall silent, waiting for the sky to clear.  
  
  
And when it does-   
  
When it does, the grinning face of the almighty, the omnipresent Recap Kid’s disembodied head has replaced the orbiting sphere, ever so slowly creeping down to Earth’s surface.  


“Good job guys!” They say, even the slightest whisper causing the crust of the earth to tremble in their wake. And so we all wait, a divine, optimistic cult, who only want two crazy, adorable boys to just kiss already.


	2. The Second One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ZADRday mass has begun.
> 
> (can you find all the references?)

Everybody still buzzing from the excitement of the previous night, the council and their followers funnel through the entryway of the Church of ZADR, the top dogs sitting at the front in a long row of stone tables, with the devotees politely talking amongst themselves in the pews, waiting for the daily service to begin.

  
  
Stained glass windows depicting Zim and Dib on ferris wheels, getting drunk in parks, and even attempting to communicate with rubber ducks line the walls, along with posters of a more buglike Zim, bearing a wide, genuine smile as well as delicate, immaculate wings. 

Speckled throughout the rows of seats and hallways of the Church are ornately crafted shrines and statues, covered in beads and flowers, little notes and offerings laid carefully at their feet.    


Under one of the sculptures, though, is a rock amidst a puddle of tears, and a small pastel gremlin (clutching a pencil almost double her size) overturns it in an attempt to watch the mass, but her eyes are too blurry from crying to properly see.

Of these altars, the main few that seem the most worn down, the most loved and decorated of all, include one depicting Dib, standing tall and shirtless, proudly displaying the scars on his chest. In another, Tak and Gaz lay wrapped around each other, at first glance seemingly in an affectionate embrace, but after closer observation shown to be playing video games together, handcrafted cobble controllers in their stone fists.

However, the most treasured effigy of all takes the form of Zim himself, swathed in a cloak of marble, lekku curved at an angle reminiscent of a halo. His whole pose, in fact, especially in the way he shields a small, wide-eyed smeet in his arms, is entirely evocative of traditional carvings of the Virgin Mary.

At the head of the Church, placed upon the highest pillar, draped in the finest cloth, this figurehead stands, a watchful eye on the congregation as the crowd is shushed and the service begins. 

Tallest Miyuki, mutated so that her head resembles a mandrake, stands up from her throne seat at the long table to ready everyone for the events.   
“Everybody, it is time to say the opening prayer.” Once these words are spoken, all of the devout followers rise and chant, in perfect unison:  
  
“Scared of **BEEEANS,** _Space Boy?_”

  
  
“Thank you,” Miyuki concludes, and everyone is once again, seated. “How about we allow our mascot up to the stage for a secon-” but Miyuki is interrupted by sudden, thunderous applause.   
Somebody with violently coloured hair wearing a full-body costume of GIR charges, emerging from the shadows and does a little dance. Just a little… y’know…. doom dance.    
  
Right as the cheers begin to die down, a hole tears down the fabric of reality, making the mascot and the joyful onlookers suddenly quiet. A boy, almost identical to Dib with the only exceptions being his mustard-yellow shirt and wide set of mismatched teeth, matching his shirt in their colour due to how grimy they were, stumbles out of the portal. However, he merely glances around the Church for a split second before his expression morphs into one of horrified disgust, and he immediately scrambles back across the border between the realities.

  
  
After a few moments of silent, confused contemplation, the ceremonies continue as usual. 

  
  
“It is time for us to bring out the Horny Trinity. Shippers, please rise for our national anthem.”  
Curious murmurs become excited chatters as a cart holding three figures beneath a thick, magenta blanket is wheeled in and the lanterns scattered about the hall dim.  
  
The speakers crackle for a second before ‘bA BA BA **BA BA** _(oooH oooOOooh)_ BA **BA**-’ blare throughout the Church, echoing endlessly, and lasers and smoke fill the room as the blanket is ripped off of the cart, to reveal firstly, a Dib impersonator, who looks way out of her depth, and then the Giftcard Rosebud and the Irken with the closet door (from the ritual the other day) in quick succession. _The Horny Trinity._

__   
  
“ Happy ZADRday! ” they cry, and Jhonen Vasquez pushes himself further into the corner, terror-struck by the congregation of crazed maniacs raising their hands to the sky as the melodies of Neil Cicerega eerily echo throughout the building.   
  
Elbowing him in the guts and dragging him towards the podium to truly see the fruit of his well-meaning and incredibly well-done efforts, is the mascot, crudely dressed up as a lookalike of Jhonen over their costume, complete with dyed hair and their own (fake) glasses. The imitator holds a sign, with  **‘TRANS DIB/ZADR RIGHTS BABEY’** scrawled in both Irken and English across it.

  
  
All in all, a normal service, on another normal day in the ZADR cult.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fsdjkgxhkz this got 100!!!!!!! notes on tumblr so i did another. if that gets 200 notes i might do a third one?? who knows
> 
> im guyinthe-chair on tumbles dot corn


	3. The Third One: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Special Event is Happening - and Everybody's Welcome.
> 
> Part One.

In the woods surrounding the Church of ZADR, apparitions - spirits, if you will - lurk around every corner. Occupants of the Church and the Lurkers that lie in the forest know these spectres as ‘Posts’. Some merely smile or shoot out a quick compliment to a Post, while others bring Posts on their journey, collecting a great few on adventures and pilgrimages through the ZADR groves.

  
Lurkers, who also occupy the engulfing ZADR thicket, come in two main types. Half of them are those who do not wish to enter the Church fully, therefore pledging their souls to Zim and Dib and the rest of the colourful characters that line the walls of the Chapel, captured eternally in ubiquitous bronze. 

On the other hand, the rest of the Lurkers are those who have filled in and sent their paperwork to live in the ZADR House of Worship, but it has yet to be officially stamped and accepted. Both sides of the Lurker Clan accept each other, and numerous hunting groups of mixed types of Lurker exist out there deep in the ZADR Wilderness.

  
  
One group in particular, at this very moment, is preparing to finally enter the ZADR Sanctuary for the first time - but not for the reason you’d expect, no. 

The group is comprised of wildly different, equally interesting faces - an arctic blue fox, wearing white and black markings on her face as well as a pretty bandana tucked around the fur of her neck. Close behind her is a shadowy figure, cloaked in red and clutching a shitty mall ninja sword, bearing their sharp, snakelike fangs and proudly showing off a small Zim badge. These two lead the group through the undergrowth and towards the Church.

  
  
Two other Lurkers, following the fox and the cloaked figure, speak up;

“Wait- why are we going?” an anthropomorphic dorito with bright pink hair sputters out.   
“Yeah, uh, why?” an Irken with golden eyes and low-hanging antennae echoes.   
  
“Well, if you were  _ listening _ , Axel, you’d know,” hisses an easy bake oven, another Lurker tagging along with the group, “Come on, let’s just go and hope for a good seat.”

The Irken, supposedly named Axel, sticks out their tongue in defeat and the group shuffles along the rest of their journey in anticipative silence.

Although their gatherings are usually full of rejoicing and festivity, today a raincloud has fallen over the Church as the main hall is swarming with believers - Lurkers, Priests, Mascots, ZADR shippers of all shapes and sizes and species. 

At the entrance stands three doormen - a bear who, rather ironically, is always asking where they are, a small moose, with the letters ‘ **I N I’ ** printed along the side, and someone cosplaying as Recap Kid curled up in a very comfy armchair, grasping at notebooks full of interesting ideas about Enter the Florpus. As the people file in, the presenters prepare to…. well, present.

Finally, as every single shipper is packed into the Cathedral, the walking-in music of Two Trucks by Lemon Demon abruptly ceases, the speakers crackling as the audio cuts out. Tallest Purple (wearing a nametag with ‘LITHY’ scrawled across it) and the Miyuki with a mandrake for a head step up to the podium.

“As I am sure you all know, we are here for our dearly beloved Jhonen Vasquez’s funeral.”   
The crowd gasps. This obviously was not widespread information as they had hoped.

“I… _ I  _ didn’t know….” sobs someone at the back, bound by restraints.    
“Aww, it’s okay-” “Don’t worry, we didn’t either-” the congregation coos.    
  
The Horny Trinity, high above everyone else on their pedestals as usual, glance at each other. The service was already proving that it was to be an annoyingly long one.

**Author's Note:**

> mercy on my soul
> 
> if u havent noticed i want death


End file.
